Following My Yellow Brick Road

Days 9 &10 - Baby Steps

~I started off fresh - Just like I said I would. The last 2 days I did the body scan meditation. This is going to be really short because I only really felt one strong feeling in my entire body when doing the body scan. Well I felt two, but were close to the same area.

I began with my head and started moving down my body, very slowly - one by one. My shoulders were my first strong feeling - a painful negative feeling. I’ve always kind of felt it, but when you take the time to really concentrate on each part individually - the feeling is so great, so strong - it almost takes your breath away. This feeling in my shoulders really wasn’t a positive one. I could feel them wrenching forward, so tensely. I laid there a while with it, watching my breath. With each breath out it’s as if I would release a little more of the tension each time. No judgement or interpretation as to why I had this feeling in my shoulders - I just began to release it. I could feel my shoulders opening up with every breath, feeling lighter and lighter. My meditation was over before I knew it, and I didn’t get very far, but what I did accomplish was something really great - something that made me feel really good afterwards. I’ve felt that feeling in my shoulders for a while - but never took the time to just focus on it, to do the work to be able to let it go. I found myself walking somewhat taller afterwards, my shoulders not hunched forward, but up straight and tall - confident.

Today - I did the same thing. As I did the scan, I passed my shoulders. Though they still felt tense, I decided to pass them today, work on another part of my body. What came right after my shoulders? My chest. It was a very close feeling to that I felt in my shoulders. It felt as though someone was pushing on my chest, a pressure unlike any other. I did what I did with my shoulders the previous day. Recognized the feeling without judgement or interpretation, and let the feeling go, breath by breath - until my meditation was over. Just letting go the little bit that I did, it even feels easier to breathe. It’s really amazing feeling.

I’m just taking baby steps. I hope that I will be able to apply these techniques not only with the feelings throughout my body, but in real life situations and relationships. Be able to look at people, experiences and situations without having to put a label on it - without judgement or interpretation for something it’s not. One step at a time~

Days 6, 7, 8 - The Pleasant and The Unpleasant

~So I obviously missed a couple of days. After the difficult experience I had on Day 5 - I got scared. I was scared that if I sat down again, I would feel the same way. No matter how much I don’t want to believe this - I understand that no matter how much I would like these particular events to disappear from my mind forever, it’s not going to happen. It will always be a part of me and who I am as a person, that’s just a difficult fact for me to really comprehend right now. If I’m being truly honest - that scares the sh!t out of me, and I really don’t like it. I don’t like how these events made me feel in my meditation, and how I continue to feel them daily. With practice though, I know that meditation will help me in how I see and feel these feelings and emotions, in a way that will make them more tolerable, and not so painful - not feeling so “stuck in it,” feeling like there’s no way out. No matter how painful it may be, I know it just takes time and I need to be willing to deal with them - which will then allow me to see them in a different, more positive light.

I started re-reading the chapter for week 2 - To prepare myself for this new week of meditation. I found these excerpts on pages 81-84, and I felt it appropriate to share. These pages in the book really describe how I react in both positive and negative situations. Here we go!

“In the Body Sensation Meditation, for example, we’ll use mindfulness to observe the way we automatically cling to pleasant experiences and push away unpleasant ones. It’s natural to perceive everything we think, feel, or take in with our five senses as being pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. Whether we’re enjoying the sun on our face, hearing an insult, listening to music, smelling our dinner cooking, or feeling a wave of anger, the experience gets sorted into one of these three slots. It’s just what humans do.”

“When the experience is pleasant, our conditioned tendency is to hang on to it and keep it from leaving. That however is impossible. “Nothing endures but change,” said greek philosopher Heraclitus. We long for permanence, but everything in the known universe —thoughts, weather, people, galaxies —is transient. That’s a fact, but one we fight. Mindfulness allows us to enjoy pleasant experiences without that extra thing we do, which is to grasp at the pleasure in an attempt to keep it from changing. In fact, we’re often so pre-occupied with trying to make a pleasurable experience stay that we’re unable to enjoy it while it lasts”

— When something good happens to me, or someone great comes into my life I tend to start thinking ahead of what I have to do to keep hold of it. I cling to it like she says. I’m rarely, or I used to rarely be in the present moment, enjoying (or not enjoying) what was actually happening around me and I always missed it. I spend my time worrying about all the different ways I can screw things up - instead of actually enjoying what is good. I’ve been working really hard on that, I really have. It’s so easy to let a moment pass you by, and then you have regrets about missing out. I’m really tired of having regrets… From a song from the musical Rent … “Forget regrets, or life is yours to miss.” Every time I hear this song, that lyric really speaks to me, and I’m trying to incorporate that into my life. I can honestly say I missed out on the first 90% of my life. I stayed depressed about the good things I couldn’t hold on to and the bad things I couldn’t get rid of. But… I’m living proof there’s a way out :)—

“On the other hand, if an experience, thought or feeling is painful, our tendency is to run from it or push it away. For example, if we have physical pain in one part of the body, we might find the rest of our body tightening up, as though to ward off further discomfort. Or maybe we globalize the pain and load it with judgment and recrimination. (This is all my fault, it will never change.) Ironically, we might have little direct knowledge of the pain we’re reacting to because we’re scrambling so fast to make it leave, often in ways that make it worse. What we have to understand is that there’s a big difference between pain and suffering. We can have a painful physical experience, but we don’t need to add the suffering of fear or projection into the future or other mental anguish to it. Mindfulness can play a big role in transforming our experience with pain and other difficulties; it allows us to recognize the authenticity of the distress and yet not be overwhelmed by it.”

—I’ve done this my entire life - pushed away all the bad, ran away from it as fast as it comes - only for it to implode on me all at once later on. I’ll have pain in one moment, and push it away, which only makes me suffer - fearing that it will come back at any moment. And eventually it does come back, because I don’t deal with it in the present. It’s a horribly vicious circle… One no one should have to endure.—

“When we can’t let the moment in front of us be what it is (because we’re afraid that if it’s good, it will end too soon; if it’s bad, it’ll go on forever; and if it’s neutral, it’ll bore us to tears), we’re out of balance. Mindfulness restores that balance; we catch out habitual reactions of clinging, codemning, and zoning out, and let them go.”

—I’ve always felt out of balance. I guess I can see why now! Well, I think I’ve always known why - the hard part is admitting it. Letting go of things is something really difficult for me because I’ve held so much inside for so long, it’s a really long process to get through it all. The important thing is that I’ve made the move to go through it, no matter how long it takes to let all those past experiences go.—

Tomorrow, I start fresh. I can see that mindfulness will be a great tool for me in my life, and I’m excited to incorporate into my meditation, and into my life. I’m a day late in week 2, but back on track. No fear, just an open mind.~

Day 5 - Anything Can Happen

~ I sit and clear my mind and start to watch my breath - all of a sudden I have these horrible images in my head, from a recent experience I went through. Mind?… Body?… Universe?… Hear me out on this one - Today is the day in my meditation that I would like to look at these images and let them go… forever if possible. It’s still very fresh, very real in my mind, and too hard to forget… but help me out, would you?

I open my eyes, but nope. - I’m not skilled enough yet to meditate with my eyes open. I see too much, which makes me even more distracted. Let’s try this again. Eyes closed, sitting comfortably, clearing my mind.. BAM! Those images are back. Really… what’s a girl gotta do? I feel these images almost as if I’m back in the moment they took place. I feel the pain, the discomfort, the shame and the sadness all through my body. I think I’m feeling so strongly because in this moment, my mind is clear of all other things but these few memories, some of the worst of my life. I try to look at these images in my mind like I did with my situation yesterday, looking from the outside in, instead of feeling stuck in it. But now I somehow feel worse, it feels stronger. I open my eyes… 3 minutes left. I can do this - one more time. I close my eyes, and begin to breathe. Breathe in… Breathe out… Breathe in — They’re Back, and I’m back feeling all the emotions/feelings from that time.
I stop, and open my eyes. I’m here, I’m alright - everything’s okay. I let out this long breath, almost as if I had been holding it in this whole time. Maybe I wasn’t breathing as much as I thought?

It’s just one day, I’m here… I’m alive. I tried, and I think that was really important for me today. I’m not mad at myself that I couldn’t just let it go. I’m proud of myself that I kept going and didn’t avoid it. This isn’t just a little distraction I can brush off, this is something I realize needs a little more attention. Maybe this was my mind telling me to stop burying these moments, to take the time that’s needed to mend what is broken.
Today’s meditation left me a little shaken, and upset. I know not every meditation will be full of inspiration and discovery. It’s always a mystery to me when I sit down… because you really never know what’s going to happen.~

Day 4 - You know what they say about making assumptions…

~You make an ass out of you and me… Boy — I use to do that well!

This is a hard one to explain - I had this really strong feeling at one point today. Someone said something, and I immediately assumed it was about me, when in fact there was no sign or reason that it had anything to do with me. I was so upset and angry with myself, and I began to have trouble breathing. This is something I’ve been working on, but it’s really difficult for me. I mean, back in the day I made assumptions with every little thing - I thought so little of myself and of my relationship with people, that in every negative situation, I assumed it was my fault, even if it had absolutely nothing to do with me. I would tell myself that I was to blame… It would just chip away at my self-esteem until I figured there was too much damage done to be able to fix. (I do not recommend living like this… Not a healthy way to go - trust me.)

ANYway… I got distracted from that assumption quickly, and completely forgot about what it was that caused that strong feeling to come over me. I didn’t get home until late, and really wanted to do my meditation before I got too tired - because I would easily use that as an excuse to push it aside. Instead, I sat comfortably in my bed, the room dark and totally silent - this was just what I needed. Serenity Now.

As I sat and watched my breath move in and out so peacefully, I began to feel this tingling in my toes. Maybe my feet were falling asleep? I adjusted my position. Then that sensation grew up my legs, through my body and to the top of my head. My entire body was taken over by the overwhelming feeling I felt when I made the assumption earlier in the day. I then became extremely distracted by what I made the assumption about, became upset and angry at myself - and was aggravated that I couldn’t shake it. I continued to breathe, but as I did, the feeling became stronger. I couldn’t seem to look at this distraction like I had the other ones. I couldn’t just see it, feel it, then let it go. My body became completely tense, and I realized I was doing the exact opposite of what I wanted - I was rejecting it - because I didn’t want to see or feel it. I didn’t want to know why I felt so badly about this particular assumption - I was avoiding it, which I do very well - but all that does is build up inside until it has nowhere to go, and then a breakdown usually follows (at least it does in my case).

Once I was able to grasp this though, I was able to turn it around. I slowed down my breathing, which helped me calm down and relax. From this point… Well it’s difficult to describe. I would say it’s like looking at myself in a mirror, face to face - and being able to see or look inside at what exactly made me so upset. But doing it without judging or criticizing myself. A stronger part of me is able to take hold of the situation and turn it around for the better. The hard part isn’t seeing it - it’s acknowledging it… recognizing it. Once I did that - which took up most of my meditation - I felt my body completely decompress, and the tears began to flow. I could feel it physically in my body that I was holding something in, and in that moment that I was able to see it, and acknowledge it - I was able to let it leave me completely. I was able to let the feeling go without the residue of guilt, shame or blame that I did anything wrong. Although I spent most of my meditation time focusing on this one distraction, the meditation helped turn a potentially horrid situation into - well… nothing. It simply isn’t an issue anymore - I’m happy to say that through my meditation, it’s left me.~

Day 3 - Letting go of the distractions…

I woke up early this morning… couldn’t sleep. I thought this would be the perfect time for Day 3 of this meditation challenge. Days 1 and 2 were amazing, and I thought, why not start the day with meditation? I couldn’t quite get it together this morning though. I was especially distracted, and really agitated… Well I think I was just tired more than anything. At first I couldn’t get comfortable, couldn’t get myself to just sit still. I kept thinking there were so many things I could do with this extra time I had before work. After lots of moving and adjusting and trying to get my mind to just stop. - I finally got comfortable and I began to watch my breath. This is how it played out:

~First few minutes - Great - I could get used to starting my day like this. So calm, my mind and body completely peaceful and at ease.

~Then it takes a turn, and I’m not aware of it right away. It goes like - breathe in… thought. - breathe out… thought. - breathe in… thought. - breathe out… thought. No matter how many times I try to recognize the thought or idea then let it go - another one pops in.

~Now we’re nearing the end and it feels like that colored scarf trick clowns or magicians do. You know when they pull a scarf out of their sleeve, and it seems never ending - My thoughts are like the different colors of the scarf - there are so many of them, and all different. One right after another… with no end in sight.

~Luckily, there’s an end and I’m able to enjoy my last couple minutes - thoughtless - just me and my breath.

I spent most of my meditation today dealing with whatever distractions came to mind. Acknowledging and recognizing them and letting them go, then coming back to my breath. And although I wasn’t completely focused on my breath as much as I would’ve liked - All those little distractions are now gone, and I’m able to move on with my day more focused and more aware, with a big smile on my face.~

Day 2

~I made time to meditate at work today. I started to feel this rush of different emotions and couldn’t focus. I’m a thinker, I get a thought and usually have a very difficult time shaking it. Today it was the most random thoughts and memories. Things I didn’t realize I had still stored in my mind - they completely came out of nowhere. I thought this would be the perfect time for me to meditate. But I was at work… Hmmm… I went out to my car and I sat and watched my breath until I felt my mind and my body were more at ease.

Today’s meditation was different than the last… I’m finding that even just after two days, my senses and my feelings are almost heightened - stronger, more present, and more clear than usual. The plus side is the stronger positive feelings I’m experiencing. The happier I’m feeling, and the awareness of all that is good in my life. But… along with stronger positive feelings, comes stronger negative feelings. A thought or reaction to anyone or anything I have a bad relationship with seems to feel stronger, much more apparent.

When I finished my meditation today, I was immediately confronted by one of those bad relationships. My uncomfortable, angry, aggravated feelings (any many many others..) were present - I felt them, but what was great was the fact that those feelings were so heightened in that moment, and I was so aware of those negative feelings, and what caused my reaction - it made me realize that this bad relationship isn’t one I want to have in my life. If this one thing or this one person can make me feel so many bad feelings, and all in one moment, why would I keep hold of that? I came to this realization about this particular relationship not too long ago… but still felt uneasy, sad and uncomfortable about letting it go. I would try and convince myself that maybe the relationship would change, maybe I could change it for the better. You can’t change people though… They have to be willing and open to change on their end, there’s nothing you can do about it. And no matter how hard you wish you could, or how many different ways you drive yourself crazy thinking about how you can change them… You can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried. This is something that has taken me a very long time to grasp.

The bright side of this is if you can acknowledge this fact that people can and will only change when they’re ready and open to it, and do it on their own terms, then maybe you’re willing and open to change yourself. I’m not talking changing your clothes or your hairstyle or anything like that. I’m talking about a deeper change, one that’s really indescribable. You have to experience it to believe it. Start out with a question… Why am I unhappy, and what can I change in my life that would really make me happier? Sit with that, and be willing and open to hear the answers - you’d be amazed at how great and surprising those answers can be.~

28-Day Meditation Challenge

~I created this blog a while ago, but I got scared. I think I was waiting for the day I felt open enough to share my thoughts and insights with more than my journal. That day is today apparently.

Today (or last night for that matter) I’m starting the 28-Day Meditation Challenge.
~www.sharonsalzberg.com/realhappiness

I heard about this book “Real Happiness” from a very dear and very wise friend of mine. She’s given and recommended the most powerful and insightful books to me, and they are partly the reason why I’m able to be open to meditation - something I would’ve been too scared or too nervous to do had this been only just a few years ago. These books have opened my mind to learning more about life than I ever thought existed.

Yada, yada, yada… Enough about that - On to the meditation challenge! I got a head start and started meditating yesterday. I was reading the book over the weekend and came home from a long day at work, and just felt like it was the right time, I didn’t want to wait another day. I’m combining my feelings from last night and tonight’s meditation because I had experienced the same feelings in both instances.

I’ve meditated before, at least I thought I had. Turns out… not so much. At least not like this. I got myself comfortable, turned on the CD that came with the book, and I tried the seemingly simple notion of watching my breath (emphasis on the word ‘seemingly’). I have to say that in the moments I was really in tune with my breath, I felt amazing - Wow. - You don’t realize how much you don’t breathe until you feel the way you do when you do breathe.

I got distracted, as I usually do, my mind wanders easily. Little thoughts coming in and out of my mind. But nothing big. Nothing that made me feel like - it was the end of the world, or I had to stop meditating because I just didn’t have the time - that I had bigger things to worry about. These thoughts came to me often when I would try and meditate before - and it was a real treat to realize how I’ve come to be able to move past them.
My big revelation for Day 1 is that I didn’t beat myself up for getting distracted. That is an incredible feat for myself. I got distracted, I recognized it, then came back to my breath. I was almost shocked that I didn’t get angry or frustrated, or beat myself up for the fact that I couldn’t do something right - which was always my conclusion. For me, in this moment, it’s about how far I’ve come in the last few years - the person I’ve become, the person I’m finally happy to be, and the person I love so much.

I feel really amazing, and it’s only Day 1. I can’t get over the sensation and awareness in my mind and my body, almost as if I were breathing in more positive energy and breathing out the bad. I’ve been trying to get rid of that bad for a really long time. One of the greatest things I’ve learned today is how to feel things in the moment and be able to let them go - as I did with the distractions in my meditation. See them… Acknowledge them… Then let them go…
That’s going to need some work.~

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” ~ Oscar Wilde